He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
