If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
