I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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