I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
