my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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