No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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