Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
