no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
