I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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