my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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