I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
