i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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