You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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