i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you made out with another girl for some wings
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
