I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
