I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
