I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
