i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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