Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
