Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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