I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
