So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
