I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
