remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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