That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
