Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
