i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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