porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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