I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
