I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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