My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
