You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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