I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
