Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
