I want to walk on stilts...naked
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
