I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i out mim tonsoeep
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
