Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
