be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
