did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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