If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
