I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
