did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
