I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
