Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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