Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
