my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
