I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
