cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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