just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
