his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
